January 2012
1 post
Listen
October 2011
1 post
Coffee, Faxes, and Spacemen: "You have won your... →
htsm:
I’m sorry Mr. President but I disagree.
I’ve always been fascinated by revolution. I think it has to do with the fact that both of the countries I claim as home put so much stock in how they managed to become democracies. The idea that people can get emotional enough about their situation to want…
August 2011
1 post
Can't think of something.
I am so angry. And so despondent. And I want to die.
I started using my other tumblr more often this summer. A way to get back to writing and documenting my life. And I would think about this one and how it was the place to leave my darkness.
Now I’m sure that any of my friends who do a little digging could find this. But no one would put in the effort so it is safe. The only issue is that...
June 2011
1 post
You forget who I am, as if I'm something to be...
It’s been quite some time since my last post hasn’t it?
I’ve started on some medication. It’s he first time I’ve taken any, and I’m not entirely sure when it’ll will kick in or what I’m to expect when it does. I’m closing in on the 4 week mark so we’ll see.
I froze like a deer in headlights when my mom found the bottle while helping me...
March 2011
1 post
6 tags
Liar, liar, let's fly into the sun together.
I’m falling apart at the seams. Pull on a thread, watch me unravel. And people don’t understand because I can’t explain it to them. Shame, guilt, grief, failure.
Failure.
Once was just so easy. And I’m tired but I want to make something of myself. I think that’s what makes this worse.
[1.30]
February 2011
1 post
And I am contained now but I remember how the...
I missed it. That one year mark. I’m never going to see a [365] at the bottom of one of these posts.
A year later and I’m still in the same place, maybe even worse off, but there is one huge difference. I’m desperately searching for reasons to keep living. I don’t want it to end, to have to hurt everyone who loves me more than I will ever deserve.
I want my light at the end of the tunnel. The...
January 2011
2 posts
“I’m left scarred, proudly - as if each mark on my character were an...”
– Dan Beirne (saidthegramophone.com) [353]
“And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the...”
– John Steinbeck - East of Eden p 132 [352]
December 2010
2 posts
2 tags
3 tags
Busy Bees Bustling
There’s so much to do. I have a 20 page final draft of a paper due tomorrow at 5. I have a proposal and a take-home final-thing due Monday and one more final on Thursday. I’ve been good to myself. And I’ve been trying to get things in order. I plan on starting to write again, even if it’s just 100 words a day. Does that seem fair? Reasonable?
Please let this be good.
...
November 2010
3 posts
5 tags
This song has absolutely nothing to do with or...
9 tags
Sure, follow me if you like. But I'm not one to...
This morning, I woke up at 7am on the downstairs couch, and for two hours, I seriously contemplated why I shouldn’t end my life. It happens just like that, with no flurry of emotion or tears. Just “Man, fuck this. I should just end it.” I picture all of the methods I could use and that one that didn’t work. I want to say that I’m detached from myself in these moments, because I picture it like a...
3 tags
For she who remembers...
Let’s talk about love. About how I threw myself against a wall And I gave away the pieces. So now I have cracks and gaps left over. There was not enough glue. I can barely remember what I used to look like. Do you remember who I used to be? Do you know where my shards are?
[289]
September 2010
4 posts
1 tag
“My soul was a burden, bruised and bleeding. It was tired of the man who carried...”
– Saint Augustine (via acasualfrenzy)
5 tags
Spare me your secrets and spare me your dreams.
I’ve spent the last two days in hysterics.
Yesterday, I couldn’t stop laughing. Not the usual, “oh I just heard a great joke” laugh, but for a straight 15 minutes. It had no reason, and it hurt.
And today, well today I couldn’t stop crying. I’d just be sitting in class and the tears would come.
[248]
Take What You Will
We’re going to die. And it won’t be at...
5 tags
And we're all living in the gutter but...
What are you good at? What do you do? What can you bring to the table?
Sometimes I feel like I just want something terrible to happen, like the apocalypse or an invasion. Something that would turn this society we have built upside down. It’s for completely selfish reasons. I’m a New Yorker living in a post-9/11 world. There were and are millions of us that can’t forget how scared we were. Some of...
1 tag
July 2010
2 posts
4 tags
And each turn breaks me faster so spin with me...
It’s been so long since I’ve posted. Twenty-seven days to be precise. I need to regroup. It’s been a little crazy since we last saw each other. I went to Texas. I started to write again. I’m still living with all my failures. I was happy for a while.
I think I’ve boiled down all my issues into a line. If I was ever a character in an indie move, I can imagine myself...
2 tags
“Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver...”
– William Butler Yeats, 1899
[161]
June 2010
2 posts
6 tags
Sloppiness and Shot Glasses
You know, I have a draft post waiting in the wings. It’s almost completed and on a topic I’m usually not one to speak on.
But I am so annoyed right now. And so fucking angry. At myself, at my parents, at my friends, at people I barely know… but mostly myself.
Anger gives me headaches.
So for something less emotional, I turned 21 on Saturday. I went to go see Toy Story 3. And...
7 tags
Deadlies and Doorknockers
I was going through my folders, trying to organize my fiction before I really get down to the work of some “proper” writing, or at the very least a more disciplined schedule. Here’s a chunk of stream of consciousness. It evolved quickly, and very messily into these scraps. Jumpy, but whenever I have a block, I read it, and part of me gets pulled back in to that sort of frenzy...
May 2010
8 posts
1 tag
“I shave, sir. I have a driver’s license. I’ve won a couple...”
– Bones, episode 3.13
(126)
1 tag
“There will be days when you’ll look at your hands and you’ll want to take...”
– The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
- Henry Cameron, page 64
(125)
4 tags
Sunshine on Stony Trails
I’m exhausted. Today was a happy day, filled with family, good food, and plenty of love. All I want to do is take a nap. There are words to say, but they can wait. Urgency and dread make us sloppy and insincere. I don’t want that.
(118)
2 tags
“I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of...”
– Pablo Neruda (July 12, 1904 – September 23, 1973) [107]
2 tags
Jack Savoretti - “Wonder”
Sometimes,...
6 tags
Does your heart hear you?
There are times when slipping would be the best. This is one of those times. I feel like I’m hanging on by my fingernails, and believe me, I haven’t gotten a proper manicure in months.
I’m shutting down, I’m shutting out, and it’s all my own damn fault.
(101)
6 tags
The Only Difference between Martyrdom and...
To run away from trouble is a form of cowardice and, while it is true that the suicide braves death, he does it not for some noble object but to escape some ill.” - Aristotle (384 BCE - 322 BCE)
I fear plenty of things.
Bee stings, dark corners, letting my parents down, long empty hallways, red glowy eyes, the thought that people hate me, that feeling in your stomach when you’re falling...
April 2010
4 posts
3 tags
Medication, Procrastination.
This is much too much.
5 tags
Motors and Spin
When it’s time for us to go out in to the world, how prepared are you going to be?
I have no idea. That’s my honest answer. I’m writing this because I’m not big on talking. I should rephrase that. I’m not big on talking with substance. I tend to ramble, and spout random, awkward things. I’m pretty sure that people think I’m some chatterbox that’s...
6 tags
Here’s a new blog, and some music to touch...