Let me apologize...

What are you good at? What do you do? What can you bring to the table?

Sometimes I feel like I just want something terrible to happen, like the apocalypse or an invasion. Something that would turn this society we have built upside down. It’s for completely selfish reasons. I’m a New Yorker living in a post-9/11 world. There were and are millions of us that can’t forget how scared we were. Some of us are still scared. But then we could see what we’re made of. We could live lives that weren’t graded on what we know but how we use them. And maybe I would fail at that too.

But right now, that seems like the softer options of my rock and hard place. Graduation is coming. I’m more than ill-prepared. I’m being selfish and stupid with my options.  But I’m tired of trying.

I wonder though, if some miracle happens and I make it out of this, make it to a point where I can win my fight against myself, what I’ll be like. Who this older person will be, because the person I am now won’t exist, at least not like I am now. And I have nightmares that when and if the time comes where I am blissfully happy and satisfied… BAM! All my karma will come and catch me, and I’ll die or be killed when I least want it. 

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