Let me apologize...

I am so angry. And so despondent. And I want to die.

I started using my other tumblr more often this summer. A way to get back to writing and documenting my life. And I would think about this one and how it was the place to leave my darkness.

Now I’m sure that any of my friends who do a little digging could find this. But no one would put in the effort so it is safe. The only issue is that I can’t reblog the vast majority of the posts here, because even if I like the writing or sentiment, the amount of damage control and awkward questions would be too much.

But there’s something liberating about this. Saying what I want and feel without fearing too much repercussion.

I tried to kill myself once. And the doctors were surprised I made it. Even more surprised that no one knows about it other then the people bound by law not to talk about it.

I don’t know why it didn’t work. I tried making something out of my life. I tried medication and talking and trying and tomorrow I’m going to get up and forget this grief I’m feeling right now. I’m going to tell myself it’s going to be better. Tomorrow.

Right now though? Right now I want to jump off a cliff. Right now I want to walk into traffic. Right now I want to camp out on the South Shore and wait for Irene to take me. If I could, I wouldn’t leave a poetic note. I wouldn’t apologize as much as last time. I would tell them to go fuck themselves, and yes, that this is their fault.